A Bazillion Ways Peeta Could Have Died
by Nareya
Summary: Peeta's a great guy. But sometimes, we get a bit frustrated with him. And then we blow him up. And run him over with trains. And let him get eaten by squirrels and the like...
1. Chapter One

A Bazillion Ways Peeta Could Have (and Should Have) Died

Disclaimer: We don't own Peeta or his darkish tendencies. That bucket of weirdness belongs to Suzanne Collins. We're just having fun…

One

"Come on up!" Effie called cheerfully, gesturing towards the stage. The rest of the district watched silently as Peeta Mellark approached, a look of shock and confusion plastered across his face.

All except for Katniss Everdeen, that is.

"You son of a banana!" she screeched, and launched herself off of the elevated platform and straight onto him.  
"What the-" Peeta started to yelp, but was interrupted when Katniss' fist was jammed into his mouth, knocking half of his teeth out.

"Oh, you know what you did!" Katniss continued to pound him to a pulp as she yelled at him, and he sank to his knees. The closest people in the crown started edging away, and a few tried to alert the nearby Peacekeepers to the disturbance. The Peacekeepers, however, were too busy examining their blindingly white uniforms for specks of dirt and stains to notice what was going on.

"What?" Peeta mumbled through a mouthful of blood. "What did I do?"

"You threw nasty burnt bread at me!" she yelled, a murderous look in her eyes. "And I'm not the type to forget that sort of thing!" Running over to the knot of busy Peacekeepers, she quickly snatched one of their guns out of its holster and turned back to Peeta.

"No, wait-" Peeta was unable to finish his sentence, however, as Katniss had already shot him directly in the philtrum.

'That's what you get, you poo-head," she spat, giving his beat-up body one last kick. There was a long period of silence, until Effie cleared her throat and pasted a large grin onto her powdered face.

"So," she said brightly, "are there any volunteers?"

Two

The mob of television reporters clustered around the train tracks was much smaller than those of the other districts, but they still made it difficult for Katniss to get to the train. But even they were not her real problem.

"Peeta!" she called, irritated. "Hurry up!"

"I'm coming Katy-poo!" Peeta yelled cheerfully. "I've just got to get my stuff!" He yanked on the handle of his enormous suitcase and stumbled when it refused to budge.

"Peeta!" Katniss was exasperated. "Why are you bringing all of that crap with you?"

"We're going on vacation!" Peeta replied brightly, giving his immovable luggage another futile tug. "I want to bring my favorite hat and by beach towel and my blankie!"

"We're not going on vacation!" Katniss smacked her palm into her face. "We're going to the Hunger Games! To DIE!" She then considered fully what he had said. "Wait, you have a blankie?"  
"No!" Peeta hollered, suddenly defensive.

"Uh-huh," Katniss said skeptically.

"I don't! I don't! You can't prove anything!" Peeta let go of his suitcase's handle, bent over to unzip it, and rose back up with a worn and tattered blankie in hand. "You'll never take this from me!" Peeta ran away as fast as his stubby little legs would carry him while Katniss shook her head hopelessly.

Hearing a low whistle, the girl suddenly looked up. "Peeta! Look out!" she yelled, waving her arms. Peeta paid her no heed and continued to zoom away. "Peeta!"

The psychotic boy finally ground to a halt. Jumping up onto the single rail of the train tracks to make himself look taller, he held the blankie triumphantly in his hands. "YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY BLANKIE!"

Just then, the train rocketed into the station at two hundred mile per hour and ground him into applesauce.

Sighing in annoyance, the conductor turned on the windshield wipers as Katniss climbed aboard.


	2. Chapter Two

Three

Katniss, Peeta, and Effie sat at a lavish table on the train to the capitol. A feast of glorious Capitol delicacies sat before them. Katniss and Effie daintily folded a napkin in their laps and gracefully picked up their forks to eat only two bites of food while Peeta grabbed the mashed potatoes and shoved his face into it.

"Imph meeds gwavee," he mumbled into the mush.

"Pardon me?" Effie asked, dabbing her mouth with her napkin (even though she hadn't eaten anything yet).

"IT NEEDS GRAVY!" Peeta yelled, pulling his face out of the potatoes and spraying the women with globs of it.

Effie and Katniss winced as the blobs smacked into them, and Effie glared at Peeta angrily.

Peeta was oblivious as he reached across Effie's plate for the gravy, dragging his mud-stained sleeve through Effie's peas and knocking some into her lap. He picked up the gravy and pulled it back towards him, sloshing some of the brown sauce onto Effie's shirt. Effie clenched her fists.

He dumped the entire bowl onto the mashed potatoes, causing some to spill onto the tablecloth, and—again—on Effie.

"Naw, I don't really want mashed potatoes," Peeta decided, staring at his plate, "You can have it, Effie." Peeta smiled, tossing the plate at her. It smacked into her face and stuck there, sliding slowly down to land in her lap. Effie looked murderous.

The final straw was when the cake was brought out. As Katniss and Effie exquisitely cut themselves a piece, Peeta simply grabbed a handful and shoved it into his mouth, icing dribbling down his chin.

Effie clutched her fork. "YOU HAVE NO TABLE MANNERS!" She screamed, and chucked the fork at Peeta's face. It nailed him right in the eyebrow and he fell from his chair, dead.

"So how was your day, Katniss?" Effie asked, polite as ever.

Four

"Come on everyone!" Haymitch called brightly, skipping giddily down the hallway towards the elevators with a glass of strong-smelling red liquid in his hand. "It's time for training!"

"Yay!" Peeta clapped his hands like a child, running after Haymitch as fast as he could (which wasn't that fast).

Katniss, not being a morning person, rolled her eyes at the two and dragged her feet down the hallway.

As Katniss stepped into the elevator with the two (probably drunk) men, Peeta grabbed her arm, "Aren't you excited for training, Katniss? It'll be _so_ much fun!"

"Yes. I. Am. So. Excited," Katniss replied sarcastically, glaring at Peeta angrily.

"Yes, I know! I can't wait to meet all of the other trainees!" Peeta jumped up and down like a girl.

"Wow. I'm so excited to meet the people who are going to kill us," Katniss replied in monotone, hoping Peeta would get it!

Before Peeta could reply, the elevator doors _whooshed_ open and they were in the Training Center. The three walked into the small outer room to find a tall, burly blonde boy standing in front of them.

"Um… Hello," Katniss greeted, quite smitten.

"Hello. I'm Cato," The boy puffed out his chest and grinned cockily.

"It's Caaaaato. Cato the caaareeeeeeeeer," Three scantily-clad girls popped up behind him and sang out in high voices.

"Um, that's nice," Katniss looked murderously at the three girls. She _hated_ singing!

"Okay, guys!" Haymitch ran up behind them, "Go do… stuff! But don't anything to help you survive—I mean… Good luck!"

"Thanks Hay-hay!" Peeta grinned and ran off towards the "shiny objects". Katniss sighed and followed.

"Peeeeeta!" Katniss whined, "we need to do something unproductive!"

"Yay! Unproductive things are my favorite!"

"Let's go tie nooses! We can use them to hunt. Not," Katniss suggested. They hurried over to the knot tying station.

The man seemed quite happy to have students. A few minutes later, Peeta had gotten bored and wandered off to do who knows what and Katniss had tied a successful snare.

"Hey Catnip! Watcha doin'?" Peeta wanders back over.

"Hey! Only Gale can call me Catnip, you stupid ooberfloggin!" Katniss screamed as Peeta walked right over her snare. He was hung upside-down by his foot.

Katniss slapped her forehead, "Peeta you bana—"

"PIÑATA!" A small girl screeched, streaking across the room to beat Peeta with a stick until he was unresponsive. "Where's the candy? Where's the candy? Where's the candy?"

"So, are there any other snares you can teach me?" Katniss turned back to the man excitedly.


	3. Chapter Three

Authors' Note: Wow! Thanks for all of the reviews! We really appreciate them! We've got an extra-long one for you guys today!

Five

"Ooh, Cinna, these look fabulicious!" Peeta exclaimed, twirling around so that his black cape fluttered out behind him like a flag.

"Peeta, you're acting like boob!" Katniss said grouchily, tugging at the hem of her own costume. "Cinna, how long do we have to wear these for, anyway?"

The stylist brushed off her question with an impatient wave of his hands. "Shush, shush, daaahling. You look faaabulous!"

"Fabulicious," Peeta corrected him. Cinna shrugged, and then attempted to toss his short hair with no effect whatsoever.

"Are you ready to go, daaahlings?" He asked, gesturing to the waiting chariot.

"No! Wait!" Peeta shouted. "I need my bug spray!" He procured a bottle of Deep Woods DEET from somewhere on his pocket-less person and sprayed it all over himself. "Now I won't get bug bites while I'm on fire!"

"It's not real fire, Peeta!" Katniss explained, aggravated. "It's _fake_ fire."

"WHAT?" Peeta gasped. "That's _lame_." He ran over to where Rue was using a blowtorch to cut Thresh's hair and snatched it from her hands. "This'll be way cooler!"

And as he lit himself up like a firework and was instantly incinerated, they were all inclined to agree. Except Rue, that is.

"Man! He broke my blowtorch!" she complained, and gave his tiny pile of ashes an irritated kick.

Six

"Peeta, what the huggles are you doing up here?" Katniss demanded, clambering up the last few steps to the roof of the training center and glaring at the strange baker boy.

"I'm being in tune with naaaaaature!" Peeta warbled, slowly raising his hands over his head. He was sitting cross-legged on top of a fuzzy, tattered blue blanket, and he had his eyes closed.

"You're doing _yoga_?" Katniss asked disbelievingly. "Shouldn't you be learning to disembowel people and stuff?"

"This is _far_ more important," Peeta declared loftily. Katniss simply rolled her eyes.

After a few moments, however, Katniss spotted a small squirrel staring curiously from the top of one of the trees in the rooftop garden. She watched as it scurried down the plant's spindly trunk and cautiously approached Peeta. Peeta didn't seem to be aware of it at all, and continued his meditation, or whatever his loser-ish activity was called.

That is, he was unaware of it until it screeched loudly, lunged for his face, and latched onto his nose.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" he caterwauled, jumping to his feet, running around, and flailing his arms. "GET IT OFF!"

The air was suddenly thick with more squirrels – they flew from the trees like heat-seeking missiles and bit onto her district partner's exposed flesh. Peeta did not seem very thrilled at this new development. "GAH! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"

Arms pinwheeling, the boy reached the edge of the roof and stumbled off of it. He was immediately electrocuted, and the squirrels all migrated to the other side of his face and held it against the force field until he became unresponsive.

Katniss smirked at them as they began to eat his kneecaps. "Nature really sucks," she observed.

Seven

"Peeta, are you ready to go?" Portia asked wearily, rubbing one palm across her face before daring to look across the room at the wayward tribute. "It's almost time for you to get into the elevator…"

"Oh, you worry too much, Porty-pa!" Peeta said cheerfully, taking a big bite of a banana cake. When he continued, Portia could see gooey bits of mashed-up fruit spewing from his mouth, and she turned away again in disgust. "Those silly games can wait for a few more seconds! I need more of these!" Peeta grabbed another one of the sticky desserts from the hatch in the wall.

"Actually, Peeta, they can't. This is a matter of _life _and _death_!"

"Really!" Peeta was flabbergasted. "I thought that it was a cooking show! Y'know, 'The_ Hunger _Games'!"

"No! It's _really not_." Pori wondered, for close to the hundredth time, just why _she _had been chosen to watch the ignorant tyke before he went off into the arena that would hopefully kill him.

"Well, I don't suppose that there's much of a difference," Peeta decided, and went back to cramming his mouth full of food.

Finally, _finally_, the elevator doors opened. Portia prodded him inside and waited, relieved, as the countdown's finish drew nearer. And just before the doors closed, Peeta stuck his hand out give her one last wave.

But then the glass doors slid shut. Right on his foolishly waving hand.

"Crap!" Portia rushed over and tried to shove it through, but it was stuck fast. Peeta was wailing and hollering as loudly as he did whenever his bathwater wasn't bubbly enough, which meant that he was making quite a racket.

"Ow! Farting Popsicles! Screaming Monkeys! OW!"

And then the elevator started to rise. And his hand was still stuck.

Portia watched, not without some amusement, as Peeta eventually wiggled his hand loose. The last bit of him she saw was his feet hopping up and down as he jumped around, waving his hand like a lunatic.

And then she heard the resounding 'BOOM' of the bombs above as he jumped right onto one of them.

"Oh well," Portia said airily, and went back to her crossword puzzle.


	4. Chapter Four

Seven

"Three… Two… One!" The gong sounded and the games had begun!

Before Katniss could even hop off of her platform, she heard; "SHIIIIIIINYYYYYYY!" from behind her. Catching everyone off guard, Peeta sped past, running full speed at the Cornucopia before him. Piles of swords, knives, bows, guns, explosives, boxes, food, backpacks, flashlights, torches, potatoes, lampshades, sleeping bags, bobble heads, limbs, tennis balls, fake turkeys, dog toys, rocket launchers, banjoes, movies, cabbages, Spanish speakers, soccer balls, giraffes, clocks, bazookas, wigs, disco balls, fireworks, cats, computers, cellos, chinchillas, dancing shoes, nuclear missiles, French books, nail polish, grass, flutes, dogs, fire hydrants, ukuleles, and bendy straws were in a pile inside the Cornucopia. Peeta had his arms spread before him, as if he could hug the very important objects.

"Stop him!" A girl from district two screamed. "I really want that nail polish!"

Peeta dove headfirst into the pile, disappearing under a mass of cellos. "La, la, la," he sang gleefully, stroking the instruments lovingly, "I love cellos."

A girl with red hair and a childishly- painted cardboard fox mask ran up to Peeta. "I is more edumacated than you, so I should get the cellos." Grabbing a cello by its neck, Foxface lifted it high before bringing it down on Peeta's head, causing his oversize noggin to crack. Peeta's eyes were unfocused and he looked confused. Foxface then grabbed a bow and stabbed Peeta through the eye.

"Ha!" she screeched, holding the broken cello above her head triumphantly, "I is having all the cellos now!"

Eight

It was after the bloodbath, and Peeta was following the four careers through the forest. Glimmer rolled her blue eyes and applied more black eyeliner. "He is, like, _totally_ annoying," she grumbled.

"Tell me about it!" Clove groaned, examining one of her knives carefully. She then tossed it off to the side, into the woods.

"What was _that_, Clove?" Cato turned and glared at her angrily.

"Caaaaaato! Cato the careeeeeeeeeer!" His backup singers chimed in.

"That knife is _so_ out of season! I _re-fa-use_ to use it!" Clove explained.

"You should never throw knives when people are around! You could hit someone," Peeta informed them excitedly. "We learned that in boy scouts!" He added a second later.

The group ignored him and continued on. A few minutes later they reached a rushing stream. Clove, Cato, and Glimmer all advanced without even a glance at the rushing water, but Peeta shrieked, then ran in front of them to block their path.

"What the dog poop, Peeta? What's your issue?" Cato swore.

"In boy scouts they told us to _never_ cross moving water!" Peeta shrieked.

Glimmer rolled her eyes and applied more mascara.Clove sighed and popped her hip.

"How the violin did Katniss deal with this potato?" Cato groaned and slapped his forehead.

Peeta ignored them. "We have to make a bridge!"

"Let's just go. See if we can shake him for a while," Glimmer offered, smearing black eye shadow on her eyelids. (She was beginning to look like a raccoon).

The others nodded and they waded through the ankle deep water to the other side. From there they disappeared into the woods, leaving Peeta to tell the trees about boy scouts.

"Let's see, what can we make a bridge out of?" Peeta looked around to find a giant tree right next to the stream. He picked up a random axe he found lying on the ground and began to hack away at the tree. After about an hour and a significant amount of bleeding, the tree began to tip.

"!" Peeta screamed as it fell, probably (and hopefully) alerting any enemies nearby to his location.

The tree actually landed where he wanted it to, so he jumped on top of it and started wobbling his way across. When he was near the middle, his foot slipped and he tumbled into the water with a quiet splash.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, "I'M DROWNING! I'M DROWNING! I'M DROWINGING!"

A minute later, Katniss walked by to see a broad-shouldered boy standing in the middle of a stream screaming his head off.

"Peeta! What the horse nose?"

"I'M DROWNING! HELP ME!" Peeta screamed at Katniss.

Katniss rolled her eyes. "Peeta, the water doesn't even cover your entire foot. You couldn't drown in that if you tried."

"Quick, Katniss! Cut down that tree so I can grab onto it and live!" Peeta screeched.

Katniss slapped her forehead, "Peeta…"

"Hurry Katniss!"

With a sigh, Katniss found the axe, and with one clean stroke, knocked the other tree towards Peeta.

Peeta screamed joyfully as it fell, "TIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMBEEEEEEEE—"

Splat.

_Oops,_ thought Katniss. _Ah, well. That wasn't all bad. At least my feet won't get wet when I'm crossing the stream_. Katniss smiled and strode across the tree she had just cut down, her feet perfectly dry.


	5. Chapter Five

Wow! Thanks again for all of your enthusiastic reviews! We really do enjoy reading your input and comments. And, just as a heads-up, there will be a few… special guests in this chapter!

Well, let's get to business, shall we?

Nine

"Katniss? Katniss?" Peeta whined from behind her, but Katniss ignored him. He trotted a bit faster to keep up, stumbled, and then tripped over a human limb lying in his path. "Stupid limb," he muttered, and then went back to trying to catch up Katniss. "Katniss?" he asked again, catching onto her elbow and tugging on her sleeve. She continued to try to deny his existence. "Katniss? Katniss, Katniss, Katniss?" There was no response. "-"

"WHAT?" she screamed, turning around to face him for the first time. Her face was beet red, and there was a murderous glint in her eye. "What. Do You. WANT?"

"I have to go potty." He blinked up at her with innocent blue eyes as she gaped at him wordlessly.

"O-o-okay, Peeta," she said distastefully as soon as she had regained her power of speech. "You can go in those bushes over there."

"Yay!" Peeta cried joyfully, and took off into the shrubs. Katniss debated fleeing from him while his back was turned, but he came crashing back over before she could put her plan into action. "Katniss!" he wailed. "There isn't a toilet in the bushes!"

Katniss rolled her eyes at his stupidity. "Well, duh," she told him. "We're in the woods. You'll just have to pee on a tree."

"But it's number two!" Peeta sobbed.

"Fine. Dig a hole and crap in it, then."

"Without any toilet paper?" Peeta asked, his eyes wide with horror.

Katniss just shrugged. "Uh, yeah."

"But, but, but… That's _poor hygiene_." Peeta looked completely terrified at the thought.

"Well, just hold it, then." Katniss snickered. "You probably won't have to wait for very long. You'll be dead soon enough!" She started to move on, but Peeta threw out an arm to stop her.

"Wait!" he exclaimed brightly. "I have an idea!"

"Here we go," Katniss muttered.

"In my Boy Scout Manual, it says that certain wasp nests are made of paper!" He pointed excitedly at a huge wasp nest hanging from a nearby tree. "I can use that!"

"Uh, Peeta…" Katniss started to say, looking fearfully up at the monstrous nest. "I think that that's a-"

"There they are! Get them!" The yell of the large Career Tribute behind her caused her to spin around.

Meanwhile, Peeta had picked up a tiny pebble and was trying to knock the nest down with it. Unfortunately, the rock, which was no bigger than a grain of sand, was too heavy for him. "Katniss, help me!" he called, totally unaware of the charging careers and the panting backup singers behind them, who occasionally gasped out, "Cato… Cato the… Career!"

Katniss looked around, realizing that there was no place for her to run. Then, she glanced back up at the nest, and a plan sprang into her mind.

"Peeta, duck!" she called, and threw the large human limb directly at the nest. It swung wildly, and then fell down – right into Peeta's waiting arms.

"Gotcha!" he called happily.

And then about twenty gazillion Tracker Jackers flew out of the nest and stung him until he was pretty much just one giant pimple.

And then he exploded into a green glob of goo.

Eleven

"Don't. Say. Anything," Katniss ground out, not glancing away from the rabbit her newly-claimed bow was trained on.

"But, Katniss!" Peeta whined, hopping impatiently from foot to foot.

Katniss silenced him with a glare and turned back to her prey. _It's so close…_

"AAAAAAHH! A BUNNY!" Peeta suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, and then took off into the bushes. The rabbit, scared out of its scrappy little wits by the outburst, scampered away.

Katniss angrily rounded on Peeta. "What is your floofing problem, you lobster-skulled ninny?"

Peeta glanced out fearfully from behind the shrub he had taken shelter behind. "It could have had rabies," he informed her.

"GAH!" Katniss yelled, and punched a tree in frustration.

Just then, Gale swung in on a large tree vine, jumped off in a stunning triple backflip, and landed on the ground with his legs splayed, ninja-style. In the same movement, he whipped a bow off of his back, strung it, and fired a bullet straight through Peeta's chest. The blonde boy flew over the trees with an ecstatic "Wheeeee!" and disappeared from sight. A cannon fired.

"Gale?" Katniss gasped. "What the hobble-bobbin are you doing here?"

"Hello, Katniss," Gale said in a deep, manly voice. One of Cato's backup singers, who had been caught in a nearby net when fleeing from the Tracker Jackers and forgotten by the rest of the careers, swooned. Without glancing in her direction, Gale fired an arrow straight through the rope that bound the net to its tree. The girl fell twenty feet to the forest floor and was very still. Gale then flashed Katniss a winning smile that caused most of the nearby forest animals to be blinded and televisions to spontaneously combust all over Panem with its sheer brilliance.

Katniss, however, was not impressed.

"So? Why are you here?" she demanded impatiently.

"I came to get rid of that funny little boy that was…" he rolled his eyes once in contempt before continuing. "…Threatening our relationship."

Katniss could only stare at him incredulously. "What the hammerbong are you implying?"

"Well, you did hear him at the interviews," Gale pointed out.

Katniss winced at the memory of _that_ incident. Closing her eyes, she could almost feel the blush of pure hatred that had touched her cheeks the minute Peeta had stepped onto the stage…

_Day of the Interviews, Panem:_

Peeta walked into the interview wearing a large puke-green T-shirt that said "I LUV KATNISS" on it in sloppy bright red letters. Everyone in the audience began to giggle, and Katniss, who was watching from her chair, felt like she was going to explode with rage.

"Oh, wow, Peeta…" Caesar Flickerman said, forcing his grimace at Peeta's outfit choice into a tight smile. "What… are you wearing?"

"Peeta settled himself down next to Caesar, grinning like an idiot. A very proud idiot. "Well, Portia is still doing group counseling after the last costume incident, so I got to design my own! Look!" He lifted up the baggy T-shirt to reveal a lemon-yellow kilt, and then dipped his head to display his hot pink-and-maroon-striped stocking cap to the audience.

"It's very…nice," Caesar said. His smile had become even more strained when Peeta had shown off his kilt.

"I know!" Peeta said happily. "And I even wrote a song to go along with my shirt!"

And Caesar couldn't hide his look of horror as Peeta whipped out a ukulele and began to screech in a high-pitched warble, "KAAA-AAA-AAATNISS! I looo-ooo-ooove you! I really, really, really, really love you, Katniss! KAAA-AAA-AAATNISS! KAAA-AAA-AAATNISS! KAAA-AAA-AAATNISS, I loooooove you!"

Before he could start on the second verse, however, Peeta fell off of the stage.

_Present Day, The Arena:_

Katniss shook her head, abruptly pushing the memory away. "Well, yeah, I guess I could see how you thought that," she admitted.

Gale gave her another dazzling grin. This time, the cameras couldn't take it, and they all erupted into gigantic fireballs. Katniss ignored this.

"But Gale, there was never anything going on between us before that!"

"What?" Gale gasped. "But… but… what about the whole "run-off-into-the-wilderness-with-Gale" scenario we were talking about earlier?"

"I only did that because your mom paid me to," Katniss admitted. Gale looked crushed. "I'm sorry, Gale, but my heart has only ever belonged to one person…" Suddenly, Harry Potter swept down on his Firebolt. He honked the built-in broom horn twice, and Katniss jumped on behind him without any hesitation. Harry jerked the broom upward, and the two of them sped away with their lips locked.

Gale watched them go, crestfallen. "Get your own Fandom, you loser," he muttered. Just then, he was trampled by Percy Jackson, Seeley Booth, Richard Cypher, Aragorn, Luke Skywalker, the Winchester Brothers, and Spike as they all raced desperately after the speeding broomstick. As he lay, mangled, on the ground, he was able to moan one last thing. "I… HATE… crossovers!"


	6. Chapter Six

**Author's Note: Thank you guys so much for reading! Sorry this took so long! I've been pretty busy… I know these probably won't measure up to the last one, but I'll give it a shot. :) Anyway, a long one first, and then a really short one, so at least it balances out! :{D**

**-Wjiaei**

Eleven

Katniss and Peeta were walking through the forest, Peeta rambling about his stupid boy scouts. Katniss had long since tuned him out. And if he was killed by a career or fell down a hole and Katniss didn't hear it? She might actually be happy in the arena for once. Why wouldn't he stop following her?

Just then, a slim girl jumped from the branches above, landing right in front of Katniss and Peeta silently. "Hello Katniss," she stood straighter, a dark red fox walking up to stand by her side.

"Rue," Katniss glared.

"Hi guys! I'm Peeta!" Peeta exclaimed, running forward to shake Rue's hand and chasing off the fox.

The two women turned away from glaringat one another to glare at Peeta instead. "We have a common enemy, then," Rue nodded and reached out to shake Katniss' hand. Katniss complied, smiling evilly. "Follow me," Rue turned, stalking back towards a willow tree. Katniss hesitated; could this be a trap? Peeta didn't even stop to think, bounding forward like a child, he even ran in front of Rue in his eagerness to get to the tree.

Katniss rolled her eyes. At least if Rue wanted to kill them (which she probably did) she would go for Peeta first, out of annoyance, giving Katniss time to escape.

Against her better judgment, Katniss slowly walked through the branches to find… a rope ladder? Peeta was already climbing up, Rue standing at the base, groaning and glaring at Peeta.

Katniss looked past Peeta to see where the rope ladder went. What she saw made her gasp. It was… uh… what was it? The ladder led to a small deck, with a sort of wood house on top of it. Bridges, ladders, and planks led off to places Katniss couldn't see, into other trees. It was a whole city made of tree houses!

"Welcome to my humble abode," Rue said dryly. Katniss couldn't really tell if she was trying to be funny or not.

"Did you build all of this?" Katniss gasped, turning in circles to stare at the marvel of architecture.

"Yup! Nobody has been bothering with me, so I had some free time on my hands!"

Katniss climbed the rope in awe, looking around with big, childlike eyes. Rue was quick behind her, pulling the ladder up behind them as they reached the wooden platform. Rue led them into the little house in the tree. Inside was a sparsely decorated room, with one large wood bed, a couch, and three chairs. "Please, sit," Rue gestured to the chairs with a bored look on her face.

Katniss sat down tensely, feeling awkward and out of place. Peeta just sat with a stupid grin on his face. "This is awesome!" He exclaimed.

"So… um… how are you, Rue?" Katniss asked, feeling as if she had to break the uncomfortable silence.

"We need to win these games, okay, Katniss?" Rue replied abruptly, "I say we kill the careers."

Katniss was taken aback, "Um… alright. Uh, how exactly?

"Do you mind getting something for me, Katniss? I would like it very much if you would please just walk over the little bridge right outside this door. Over there are some refreshments – would you please bring them here?" Rue requested, changing the subject wildly.

"Um… sure, yeah," Katniss stood uneasily and walked out the door to cross the bridge.

"Peeta?" Rue asked very sweetly.

"Yeah Rue?" Peeta replied excitedly.

"Could you hold this for me while I go get something for us to eat?"

"Yeah!" He took the small round thing from her, not even asking what it was, and sat back, satisfied that he was "helping".

"But whatever you do Peeta, do not press _this_ button!" Rue pointed at a large red button on the small round thing. Peeta nodded vigorously, promising he wouldn't press it.

Rue flashed a gorgeous smile at him and stood, sweeping out of the house.

A few minutes later, Rue found Katniss lost in her tree house metropolis. "What are you doing here? I thought you wanted me to grab something for us to drink… but I got lost!" Katniss exclaimed when she saw Rue.

Before Rue could reply, a loud _boom_ shook the arena. "What was _that_?" Katniss asked, staggering backwards from the blast.

Rue giggled somewhat evilly, and in a sing-song voice, crooned, "Peeta pressed the red button…"

Twelve

The three tributes crouched in the bushes, observing the Cornucopia full of swords, knives, bows, guns, explosives, boxes, food, backpacks, flashlights, torches, potatoes, lampshades, sleeping bags, bobble heads, human limbs, tennis balls, fake turkeys, dog toys, rocket launchers, banjoes, movies, cabbages, fire hydrants, Spanish speakers, soccer balls, giraffes, clocks, bazookas, wigs, disco balls, fireworks, cats, computers, cellos, chinchillas, dancing shoes, nuclear missiles, French books, nail polish, grass, flutes, dogs, ukuleles, and bendy straws. It was curiously unprotected. Rue and Katniss puzzled over what to do. Well, at least Katniss did. It was hard to tell what Rue was thinking.

Suddenly, Peeta pushed past the two young women, running straight for the unguarded pile. "BANANA CAAAAAAAAKE!" Peeta screamed, waving his hands in the air and running for the _one_ banana cream cake in the whole pile, sitting out in the open on one of the cellos. He made it all the way to the pie unscathed. Reaching up, he grabbed the pie, and began to run in excited circles around the pile. "BANANA CREAM PIE! MOOHAHA! IT'S MIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!" Just then, Katniss and Rue heard some rumbling from beneath Peeta's feet. Peeta gave no indication that he'd heard, and continued to run in circles. Suddenly and violently, the ground exploded, making Peeta explode as well. Katniss and Rue jerked back automatically as they were splattered with banana cream pie and bits of cellos. One sliver went right in Katniss's ear, and it started to bleed as she pulled she sliver out, wincing.

"All well," Katniss shrugged, unworried, "at least their supplies are gone. Although I would've liked to have one of those Spanish speakers…"


	7. Chapter Seven

Authors' Note: Hey, guys! We've decided to dedicate this chapter to Elfera, who has been awesome at reviewing and even gave us an idea for a Peeta death! You're amazing! (And we thoroughly approve of your moustache smiley face!)

Fourteen

"Peeta, what the snicklemuffin are you doing now?" Katniss complained, clamping one hand to her one uninjured ear to block out his annoying chatter.

"I'm building a shelter!" he explained, rushing around and picking up small twigs of various sizes. When he had gathered a tiny handful, he began jamming them into the ground around them until the two tributes were standing in a small circle of two-inch-high twig stumps. "There!" he exclaimed happily. "Now we just need a roof!"

Katniss rolled her eyes at him hopelessly. "You are an idiot," she informed him as she began to trudge away. Peeta followed her, pouting. Eventually, the two of them came upon a small steam.

"WAIT!" Peeta screeched as Katniss bent down to take a drink of the pristine and sparkling water. "There could be BACTERIA in there!"

Katniss just glared at him, and then dipped her entire face into the water and took a big gulp of water.

"NO!" Peeta howled, lunging forward to stop her. But he had pretty much no sense of balance, so he naturally ended up tumbling into the stream. "AAAAAHHH!" he yelled, flailing his arms about. Katniss quickly grabbed his arm and fished him out of the water before he could claim that he was drowning (again).

Peeta stumbled to his feet, spluttering, and ran as fast as his little stumpers would carry him away from the dangerous water. When he stopped to take a breath, he almost fell deep into the depths of a small cave that he had almost accidentally stumbled into.

"Hey, Katy-poo!" he called excitedly. "I found a shelter!"

Katniss caught up to him and peered down into the cavern. "I guess you did," she admitted, turning to look at him in amazement. "Now, why don't you go check it out?"

Peeta suddenly looked nervous. "Why don't you?" he asked timidly. Katniss simply shrugged, pulled out her bow, and made as if to crawl inside.

Before she could do so, however, a large red-tailed hawk swooped out and clawed Peeta's eyeballs right out of their sockets.

"TSEEEEEER!" the hawk shrieked triumphantly.

Peeta tripped forward, screaming , and fell through the cave entrance. The cave was actually approximately 5000,000,000,000,000,000,000 feet deep, so he landed with a very deadly and loud "SPLAT".

Katniss glanced up at the hawk, and then down at the distant splat mark. "I'm never going against animal rights activists again," she decided. Grinning, she walked off again, unaware that a small pack of wolves was watching her.

Fifteen

"OOOH! Katniss, did you hear that?" Peeta called excitedly, almost tripping over his own bulky feet before reaching her. Katniss was still listening thoughtfully to the fading echoes of Claudius' announcement, but she turned, irritated, to face him as he approached.

"I'm not deaf, Peeta," she told him grumpily. "Well, not in both ears, anyway."

Peeta was too busy running around in giddy circles to reply. "We're going to a party! We're going to a party!" he squealed happily.

Katniss stuck out one arm to stop him, looking as if she was about to explode with frustration. "It's not a party, Peeta," she explained less than patiently. "It's a _Feast_. We can go there to get the one object that we need the most."

Peeta's eyes went wide with wonder. "It's like a Secret Santa Thanksgiving!" he yelped joyfully, and ducked under Katniss' arm to continue running around.

Katniss planted her palm on her forehead and glared at him. "Whatever, you idiot," she muttered. Grabbing onto one of his arms, she dragged him back to the (different) cave that they now called home.

The day dawned bright and cold around the place where the elevator-table-thingie would arise the next morning. Katniss, form her hiding place in the shrubs, turned around to face her companion.

"You know the plan, right?" she asked Peeta, who was busy drawing flowers in the dirt with a stick. She confiscated his stylus and glared at him until he responded.

"I'm the decoy!"

"And what do you do?"

"I run around in circles, yelling 'LA LA LA LA LA! Come and get me!'"

"Good." Katniss fidgeted anxiously. "When is the donging table going to come up?" she muttered to herself.

Just then, the donging table came up. On its shiny metal surface rested four backpacks. (The Gamemakers had realized that there wasn't really anything that Rue needed, since she seemed to be doing a pretty good job reinventing the human society in the treetops.)

Nobody moved for a few moments. Suddenly, a small girl ran from the cover of the woods. She was wearing a crude fox mask, and her red hair, which matched the coloring of her fake face, was tangled and knotted. She was grasping a cello bow in her hand.

As soon as she reached the table, she snatched the bag that was labeled "Foxfaced Girl Whose Name We Don't Remember" and quickly unzipped it. From its depths she withdrew a long russet scarf with a white tip. "AHA!" she yelled triumphantly, and quickly tucked one end into the back of her pants. Then she zoomed off again, her new tail streaming out behind her like the trail of a comet going through an identity crisis.

All of the onlookers were stunned for a moment. And then Clove emerged from the woods, brandishing a fistful of Hot-N'-Stylish throwing knives (blade covers sold separately). "THAT _ADORABLE_ PINK BACKPACK IS **MINE**!" she screeched, and took off for the table as fast as her sparkly purple go-go boots (killer cleat spikes removable) would go.

Predictably, chaos ensued.

Peeta, distracted by the shininess of Clove's footwear, forgot to be the decoy and instead caught her ankles in a flying tackle that knocked her off of her feet. Katniss ran for the table to grab her backpack, upon which was written "The Cool Girl That Shoots Stuff And That Other Loser Guy", only to spot Cato charging at her out of the corner of her eye. And Thresh was flexing his muscles and trying to rip through his t-shirt with them with limited success.

Katniss aimed an arrow at Cato, but missed and accidently pegged one of his two remaining backup singers, who fell to the ground and was trampled by the big blonde boy. Seeing that he would soon be upon her, Katniss gave up and snatched the backpack away before taking off for the woods again. When she reached its edge, she turned around to look for Peeta.

He was too busy being stabbed by Clove to try to catch up to Katniss, so Katniss decided to just leave him to it. Opening the back, she reached in her hand… and removed a bunch of banana cakes.

"WHAT?" she shriek in disbelief. Turning to face Peeta with murder in her eyes, she nocked an arrow and fired it straight through his stupid stabbed-open-by-an-angry-Clove noggin.

"Hey!" Clove exclaimed, miffed. "_I_ was killing him! Spoilsport!" She tossed her perfectly moisturized hair is disgust, and then removed a new bottle of mascara from the pink bag that Cato had delivered to her. "Now, this is what I'm talking about!" she trilled as she put on her makeup.

Pulling out a small hand mirror, she noticed that a drop of Peeta's blood had smeared her eye shadow. "Ugh! You are _such_ a loser," she complained to Peeta's bloody corpse, and gave him one last kick before settling down to "pretty up".


	8. Chapter Eight

Sixteen

Authors' Note: Hey, guys! There's just a short chapter this time, but there'll be a longer one tomorrow. And sorry for the lateness – Wjiaei has been having some family trouble, so the chapter was delayed. But now – Onward!

The rain was coming down hard as Katniss and Peeta huddled in their tiny cave. Katniss thought she saw a flash of lighting in the inky clouds.

"Ugh. We _really_ need to get out of here," Katniss complained.

"How about if I just run around in circles with this metal rod? Will that help?" Peeta asked excitedly, picking up a random metal rod he'd found sitting next to him.

"Yes, Peeta. _So_ much," Katniss snapped sarcastically, irritated. She should have known that Peeta Mellark did _not_, under any circumstances, mix with sarcasm. It was hard to even put the two in a sentence together. It was simple math, really. If only Katniss had paid attention in school… Instead, she'd been making googly eyes at Harry Potter. Oh, he had the most gorgeous green eyes…

"Okay!" Peeta exclaimed before jumping up, grabbing the random metal rod, and running in erratic circles out in the rain. Katniss slapped her forehead and rolled her eyes.

She stood up to follow him out, and that's when the lightning really started. _Apparently it was waiting for me to come out. Ugh! My hair…_ Katniss thought, irritated.

He was electrocuted almost comically. His skeleton flashed from inside him just like in the old cartoons and he made the funniest sound Katniss had ever heard! Katniss would've laughed if she wasn't trying not to get electrocuted herself.

After the storm, Katniss walked up to Peeta's charred skeleton. She gave it a kick and sent ash flying. _Finally! Some cooked dinner!_ She thought as she pulled out a random fork she found lying next to Peeta.

Seventeen

"Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiity! I'm thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirsty!" Peeta whined, dragging his feet through the forest.

"My name is Katniss," Katniss snapped back.

"I'm thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirsty, Kitty!" Peeta moaned.

Before Katniss could reply, the two came across a dry riverbed. Peeta screamed, causing Katniss to jump. She whirled around and pulled her bow out, notching an arrow. "What? What do you see?"

Peeta was pointing a shaky finger at the riverbed. "W-w-w-w-w-waaaaaaaaaaaaaat-t-t-t-ter!" he cried.

Katniss rolled her eyes and, deciding to ignore him, walked across the three foot wide stretch of sand.

"Are—are you s-sure, K-Kitty?" Peeta sniveled.

Katniss continued to deny his presence.

"AHHHHHH! KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITY! I'M DROWNING! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" And then; silence, the sounds of the forest came alive gain. As Katniss started to sigh and turn around – and then a cannon went off. She jumped, pulling out her bow again. Who had died? Were they near? Where was the killer?

And then she saw Peeta.

Peeta lay on his back on the dry riverbed. His limbs were swollen, and his chest wasn't moving.

"Peeta! What the doodle-snoof are you doing?" Katniss snapped, stalking up to him.

He just lay there. Katniss poked him warily with her toe. "Peeta, if this is a joke, I swear I'll ooma-looma your face!" Peeta still didn't move so Katniss bent down and checked his pulse. Silence. She pushed down on his chest and water bubbled out of his mouth. Katniss rolled her eyes. Of _course_ Peeta found a way to drown in a water-less river!


	9. Chapter Nine

Eighteen

Authors' Note: Wow! Last Chapter! You guys have really been great – we've loved every review we've received. We're sorry that we couldn't use every death idea you sent to us, but we appreciate them, too. WE aren't entirely sure whether or not we'll do a sequel – we might to "A Bazillion Ways To Die At Hogwarts" instead. But either way we go, we've been happy to have you guys along for the wild and wacky ride that was this story. May the odds be ever in you favor!

-Valjavertjinn and Wjiaei

"I'm tired, Katniss!" Peeta complained. "And I'm hungry! And thirsty!"

"Peeta, shut up!" Katniss commanded him, not even bothering to turn around. She kept her gaze focused on the forest ahead, which would hopefully soon give way to the flat area that stretched to the lake's shore. She was ready to face Cato, once and for all…

"And I'm booooooooored!" Peeta wailed.

…And hopefully let Peeta get taken out in the process.

"Look, we're here," she told him impatiently, and he immediately let out a huge sigh of relief.

"Phew! That was one long and pointless hike that I'll _never _forget!" he informed her, and flopped to the ground, closing his eyes. In a few minutes he was sound asleep and snoring.

But Katniss knew that she could not do the same. She glanced warily at the horizon, where the sun was setting in a fantastic display of purple and orange hues, and saw no sign of Cato. She continued to sweep over the steadily-darkening landscape with her eyes, searching for the large Career.

"Pretty pony!" Peeta murmured in his sleep, startling her. She turned to stare at him, bemused. "I want to pet the pretty sparkly pony!"

Katniss shook her head in amazement at his dorkiness and then went back to keeping watch.

"I WANT THE PRETTY PINK PONY NOW!" Peeta shrieked suddenly, and bolted straight upright. His eyes were still closed.

Katniss was starting to get worried. Peeta had gotten to his feet and was stroking the empty air in front of him gently. "Nice, nice pony," he crooned.

A twig snapped in the woods, and Katniss spun quickly around to see what it was. She could now hear more sounds from that area – she knew that something was rusting around in there, and coming even closer.

Cato burst out form the trees, running straight toward them flat out. Katniss drew her bow and fired as fast as a Whedonite running into the theaters to see _The Avengers_, but Peeta, still moving around in his sleep, knocked into her bow, disrupting her aim.

So instead of hitting him in the heart, like she had planned, she hit him directly in the eyeball.

"OW!" he screamed, and fell over. "You shot me in the froggin' EYE! Who _does_ that?"

Behind him, another form burst from the trees – one of his backup dancers. As Katniss watched, a huge wolf (one that wore a designer hot-pink collar) emerged right on her heels and messily devoured her.

Oops.

Katniss grinned, and then glanced at Cato, who was doing the weird death-rattle thingie. She thought about recording it to be her cell phone ringtone, but then she looked at the mascara-wearing wolf. It was gaining.

"Come on, Peeta!" she yelled desperately, turning and shaking the tribute. He opened a bleary eye.

"Katy-poo, I need my beauty sleep!" he said reproachfully, and then was zonked out again.

Panicked, Katniss grabbed his arm and dragged him across the open grass. When that was too slow, she hefted him up onto her shoulders and carried him to the Cornucopia that way. He snored irritatingly the whole time.

Before she could reach it, however, a cannon fired. She looked back to see the stylish wolf roll her eyes and pop a hip (as well as a canine could, at least) before being sucked into a hole in the ground.

A loud trumpet call pierced the silence that had followed, and Peeta suddenly sat up again.

"That was a great nap!" he proclaimed as the announcer began to speak.

"Attention, everyone! We've decided to change the rules about two people being able to live and stuff, since nobody likes Peeta. Over and out!"

Peeta chuckled as the echoes of the loudspeakers faded away. "That announcer guy is so silly!" He slapped his knee mirthfully, and then looked up at Katniss. His smile widened when he caught sight of the maniacal grin on her face. "See, isn't he funny, Kat-"

Before he could finish, she had lodged another arrow in his mouth. He toppled to the ground without letting out another peep.

Katniss stared at the body for a moment longer, and then threw back her head and let out a shriek of delight. "YES! YES! FREEDOM!" She ran in ecstatic circles until the hovercraft came to take him away. Before the metal claw could grab onto him, however, she grabbed onto its arm and hugged it tightly. "No! Me first!" she commanded, and the pilot of the ship shrugged once before carrying her away.

Peeta was left behind, and nobody ever did manage to get around to removing him.

Nineteen

Katniss shielded her eyes against the glare of the sun as the platform she was standing on rose up to stage-level. She blinked away the sting – and then gasped at the sight of the huge crowd that stood before her.

This mob looked nothing like the one that had greeted them at the train station. For one, everyone looked really mad – not giddy with excitement, as they had been before. For another, they were all holding pitchforks and baseball bats and torches. A few were brandishing signs. When she looked closer, she saw that most of them read things like, "DEATH TO PEETA" and "KILL THE SISSY!" And they were all screeching and yelling.

"Execute Peeta!"

"Shoot him now!"

"I'll do it!"

"No, let me!"

"_I _want to obliterate him!"

Peeta ran across the stage to stand by her. He was beaming and jumping up and down with excitement. "They love me, Katniss!" he squealed. "The crowd loves me!"

At this, the crowd gave a roar so loud that it shook the very ground they stood on. Peeta threw out his arms in response and basked cluelessly in the glare of their hatred and fury.

"Uh, Peeta?" Katniss said nervously. "I don't think that that's what they really mean…"

Peeta favored her with a big grin that showed just how stupid he thought she was being (nd also did a good job of illustrating how unintelligent _he_ was). "Don't be silly, Katy-poo! They positively _adore_ me!" He turned to face the angry mob. "Isn't that right?" he hollered.

Someone in the crowd threw a rotten tomato at him, and the rest of them laughed cruelly.

"I love vegetables!" Peeta exclaimed. "Why, you guys are just too thoughtful!" With that, he wiped the tomato goop off of his face and licked it up.

The mass of angry Capitol dwellers booed loudly, but Peeta just giggled. "Hey Katniss," he whispered, sidling up to her, "do you think that they'd like it if I took a stage dive?" Before she could say anything, he chuckled jubilantly and answered his own question – "Oh, of course they would!"

Peeta then ran to the edge of the stage and threw himself happily into the waiting arms of the angry crowd.

Within seconds, they had beaten him to a pulp, dismembered him, ripped him into tiny pieces, and ground him underfoot.

After the few minutes of silence that had followed his death, they all began to whoop and cheer. Some started dancing in celebration, while others wept with joy.

President Snow shuffled awkwardly onto the stage after a few minutes. He stuffed a silver crown onto Katniss' head, and then turned to face the mob, clearing his throat as he did so.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" he called. "I give you the victor of the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games!"

The crowd began to cheer – but this time they were actually excited. Simultaneously, they all flipped their "I HATE PEETA" banners and T-shirts around to reveal their opposite sides, which were plastered with slogans like "Katniss Rocks!" and "Go Katniss!"

Katniss looked around at the whole happy mess of people, and a slow smile spread across her face. It widened substantially when her gaze landed on a small smudge of Peeta that was smeared across the floor.

"Now this," she said happily, "I could get used to."


End file.
